


Not Worth It!

by Jokul_Nightfury_Frost



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Comedy, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inspired by Monty Python, M/M, Monty Python, Other, Parody, Prompto Argentum is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24196375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jokul_Nightfury_Frost/pseuds/Jokul_Nightfury_Frost
Summary: Ardyn is looking for the Astral's Crystal, but really needs a night in which he can sleep in a real bed, but that may have to wait since this weird kid is just being a pain in the ass. Wait... How the hell does he know his father smelt of elderberries?!
Relationships: Prompto Argentum/Noctis Lucis Caelum
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Not Worth It!

**Author's Note:**

> I had an idea, and I rolled with it.
> 
> We all know I do not own FFXV, or everything would have ended WAAAY differently. And I definitely don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, so you can't get me for that one either Legal Team!

If he were to be honest, this whole thing sucked. At first, the quest was met with enthusiasm; he just needed to find the Astral's Crystal and bring it back to Gralea, Ifrit had told him it was that simple. But Ardyn had been all over the damn country and was no closer to finding the Crystal than humans were to learning to fly by flapping their arms! If he didn't need it for his master plan for world domination, he'd abandon the whole thing and settle for either killing Aldercapt himself and taking the Empire for himself, or just staying Chancellor. And sleeping out in the wilderness was a literal pain in the ass! Havens be damned! He wanted a warm room and a soft bed for at least one night, was that too much to ask? Or for Loqi to stop whining, he and the other men would gladly take that.

"Look! A Manor!" Loqi suddenly exclaimed.

And a manor there was! A large, walled-in, lavish structure of dark stone with the wall of the same stone constructed in the style of old castle walls allowing for patrollers to keep watch without needing to leave safety should they see an enemy approaching. Salvation! Now all they need to do was get in.

"Well spotted, Loqi. Finally, you did something useful." Ardyn said rushing towards the Manor while ignoring the younger man's indigent squawk.

The rest of the soldiers in accompaniment of Adryn and Loqi followed the Chancellor prompting the put-out man to run to Adryn's side and followed his superior's line of sight to the top of the wall.

"Hello!" Ardyn called.

There was no answer, and no one came.

"HELLO!" he tried again thinking (hoping) he simply hadn't been heard.

And then someone appeared! It was a young man with blond hair styled in an upsweep and wearing black.

*XV*

When Prompto heard someone call from outside, he was confused as to how anyone had been able to find the Manor; he looked over the wall and saw a group of Imperials looking up in his direction. The day was originally boring, but it just got quite interesting~

"Yo! What's up? Who are you, and what do you want?"

Okay, an unexpected greeting. If it could even be called that. But, oh well, at least the manor was inhabited.

"It's Chancellor Ardyn Izunia, and this is my retinue from Imperial Gralea. Whose Manor is this?" Ardyn asked.

"This the Manor of His Highness, Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum!" the blond answered.

Ooh, a prince! A prince means nice digs, good food, the better alcohol!

"Go and tell the prince that we have been charged by the Inferian with a sacred quest! If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Astral's Crystal!" he offered.

"Well I can ask, but he might turn ya down on that! He's got his own you see!" Prompto called back.

Wait, what?

"What?"

"He said they already have one." Loqi supplied.

There was more than one?

"Are you sure he's got one?" Ardyn called still unable to believe his ears.

"Yep! Totally wicked too!"

While the Niflheim party tried to process this, Prompto turned to where three of his friends were hidden and listening to this whole exchange. Two were men in black outfits similar to his, one with dark hair and huge in both height and muscles, the other with dirty blond hair also styled to defy gravity and wearing glasses, the third was a beautiful woman in white with golden blonde hair and holding a trident. Gladio, Ignis, and Lunafreya, the Oracle.

"I told them we already have one." He said causing the three to cover their mouths to quiet their laughter.

"Well, um," Adryn shifted his stance feeling put off "Could we come in and see it?"

"Hell no! You're Niffs!" the blond man immediately denied.

What?! Oh, now they were all just downright insulted!

"And what are you then?!" Ardyn challenged.

"Duh! I'm Lucian! See the cool duds, or are ya blind by your own lack of fashion sense, hobo Chancellor?"

_Hobo?!_

"What are you doing in Niflheim?" Loqi asked.

"Mind your own business!" was the snapped-out response that took the Niflheim retinue off guard.

But Adryn quickly regained himself as he was getting very irritated by the Lucian blond.

"If you don't show us that Crystal right now, we'll take your Manor by force!"

"You think you scare us? You couldn't scare a newborn baby! You should go find a place to take a hot bath so you can boil the pig stank off your asses! I blow my nose at you so-called Chancellor! You all your silly Niff-foo-foos!"

Prompto then proceeded to stick his thumbs in his ears and wave his hands while blowing a raspberry further astounding the retinue bellow. This guy served a prince?!

"He definitely has a few screws loose." Loqi said.

Rather than agree, even if he also thought it true, Adryn just grew angrier by the second.

"Now listen here-"

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed Chocobo food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

'How could he possibly know that?!' Ardyn mentally screamed.

"Is there someone else we can talk to?" Loqi tried feeling very much belittled by the Lucian.

"No, now get lost or I'll really make you cry!" Prompto said.

Ardyn regained himself and was just about done with the childish behavior of the Lucian.

"I'll give you one more chance to act your age and be civilized about this! Six know I have!"

As he went on, Prompto turned to look at the blond woman.

"Luna, they ain't leaving. Could you summon Titan please?"

"Gladly. They are getting rather annoying. Especially the one prattling." Lunafreya said starting to glow.

In the Manor courtyard, a large being appeared in a seated position that allowed him to be hidden by the wall; his skin was of stone and meteor shards, the Archaeon Titan.

"There are some undesirables who don't know how to take "no" for an answer. Would you help to get rid of them please?" she asked.

Titan nodded and picked up a garula.

"…If you don't show us the Crystal we will-"

He was interrupted by the sound of a distressed beast and looked up to see a garula coming right at them!

"SHIVA'S ICE!"

They scattered, but one soldier was unlucky enough to have been squashed under the large animal. Oh, he was alive and fine, he was just crying like a baby at his misfortune. Ardyn, however, was done with the whole thing.

"That's it! Attack!" he ordered summoning his sword.

The rest of his retinue drew their weapons and they all ran to the wall believing their actions fueled by their wounded prides and overall irritation would be enough to help them break through. But the Lucians were stubborn bastards, and kept hurling magic, small animals, and anything else they could throw until they heard the Chancellor call for retreat.

"Run away! Run away!"

And they fled like dogs with their tails between their legs away from the Manor all while Prompto mockingly waived them off as he blew a raspberry once again. The solder trapped under the garula was pulled out so that he wasn't left behind, and no one died, but their prides were still very much wounded.

"Yo, I heard a commotion, and I saw Titan in the courtyard. What'd I miss?"

"Noct!" Prompto squealed jumping into the man's arms.

"You missed it, babe! We ran off a bunch of Niffs!"

"Really?"

"Quite. Prompt handled the situation beautifully." Ignis said.

"And it was hilarious!" Gladio added.

After they recounted the events, Noctis was curled up on the floor clutching his stomach laughing himself to tears.

As for Ardyn, he continued looking for his own Crystal, but he turned tail and ran from any place occupied by Lucians. He would rather camp at Havens than have his pride pulverized by more sass-mouthed blonds.

Not. Worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Review if you like it. It is after 12:30 in the morning. I have a day of sushi and Persona 5 Royal to deal with when I get up later.
> 
> Goodnight.


End file.
